Ah, Satya's suggestion today is to 'write a small stone about something you want to change but can't, or can't right now'...
I want the right hand I had seven years ago -
It held magazines, and wore beautiful rings,
It had long fingers and manicured nails,
And it never formed into a fist!
Harsh, but true... sorry!
Claire, did you get this as a result of the stroke you had!? that is so harsh. Youre very brave to share this with us, and I can only imagine the frustration this must cause you.
ReplyDeleteYes, I did! The stroke paralyzed my whole right side, but while lots of it has improved (in that I can at least move my left leg to walk, my face doesn't droop too much any more), the right arm is still a dead weight, painful, and marble-cold a lot of the time... and, of course, I was right-handed!
DeleteIt's my greatest remaining loss - my speech and the ability to read were the greatest, but have largely returned, for which I am eternally grateful!!
And yet: you write! In spite of every awful thing that happened, you have not given up on life. And by writing such beautiful posts, you offer solace to other people.
DeleteYes, with a fully functioning body you could do so much more, and I so understand you want it back. But I think you are wonderful for what you are giving now, with your limitations of now. Please do not give up!
Bless you for this - for your lovely words, your kind words...
DeleteNo, I won't be giving up :)
It's just some days are hard, and I'm only now realizing that if I want to write honestly, and mindfully, and truthfully, I cannot hide away from the hard days...
Dear Claire, this is a very sad post...I can totally understand your anger and frustration, it must be terrible ...but you know what the first thing was which came to my mind? - your hand holds tight, it holds to life and this is the most important thing of all. Sorry, I probably don't have the right to say this as I am not in your situation and therefore won't be able to fully understand how you feel, but it really just came to my mind and I felt this to be an encouraging thought in such a sad situation...All the best! Cordula
ReplyDeletePlease don't apologize for your comment! You're right - I do hold onto life! I think any who have survived trauma (physical or emotional) do, and that IS encouraging. And I think it can give them a voice to share their experiences - though it's taken me almost 7 years to find mine!
DeleteI love your voice and keep coming back to your blog...thank you for these moments!
DeleteSuch a lovely thing to say! Thank you :)
DeleteDear Claire, just wanted everyone to know that you also never never, ever moan either! This is the first time you have ever mentioned this. Keep smiling, good times ahead! Love you xx
ReplyDeleteBless you, my love! Though, I don't think Nick and the kids would agree with you - I'm a selective moaner :)
DeleteBut I do sense this, my half-century year, is going to be a significant one...
Let the good times roll!!
xx
I wish you could have your hand back too. Sending smiles your way today,
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kate - smiling back... :-D
DeleteAhhh Claire ... What a post. When I read your words about your hand previously never having formed a fist, my gut reaction was "well fists also hold things, they're by no means always aggressive". Pretty much like Cordula says. My mother had a stroke a couple of years ago and her left arm is not much use now, and her mental accuity has also been challenged (though if you didn't know her, you might not notice). She certainly says she doesn't think she's the same person since the stroke which made me stop and think quite a bit.
ReplyDeleteBut I am so inspired by the way you bash on anyway even though you have bad days and down moments. Thank you for putting yourself out here, it gives the rest of us great hope that perhaps if we were faced with similar challenges, it might actually just be possible to pick ourselves up and keep going.
Bless you for your lovely words :)
DeleteLike your mum, I'm not the same person in many ways, but my essence is the same... I think it's just closer to the surface, which makes me very very vulnerable - I cry and hurt more easily, yet I feel joy more readily...
Nobody can say it's easy (and I'm sure I'm not easy to live with!), but my family are here for me, and my faithful friends (lots have left over the past 6 years...), and I am soooo grateful!
And add to this all the lovely blog-friends I'm discovering, and their lovely comments, I'm getting better at showing my essence online :)
I'm late to read this as I am only now catching up with all your beautiful small stones. And I felt moved to say, don't apologise for harsh truth, none of us are happy & light all of the time and I truly believe that, sometimes, sharing our true burdens can help others carry theirs somehow.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kelly, for taking time to read through my small stones - it means a lot to me that people take time out of their day to read my words - it's humbling, actually.
DeleteI believe you're right - sharing our truth can help others carry theirs - but this is the first time I've shown something of my stroke 'injuries', which was hard, yet liberating in a way...
I'm also aware I'm desperate to not come across as a whiner/moaner/'oh poor me'-er... who want to read about that??
Anyway, thank you xx